It's Time

Yep, Saints are 7-6, playing the Bears, also 7-6, tomorrow night, in Soldier Field.

How does that bode for the boys in Black and Gold?

Dogshit.

Feel like playing football in this kind of weather? "I'm a man's man, that's the Lambeau/Soldier Field Way. That's real football." I hear people say this kind of thing all the time up here in Chicago, and it's just a way for fans of the NFC North and its abysmal teams to feel better about themselves.

Anyhow, remember this play? It was a TD pass to Reggie. He flipped in the endzone, after pointing at Brian Urlacher, like a dick, and brought decades of bad karma BACK onto the Saints. It was awesome, for a second.

However it actually went something like this:




I do have something positive to say for Saints fans - by now, Payton has realized that we can run the football, even against great defenses - here's how:

See, there he is - Pierre Thomas. Illinois boy, no less... he had over a c-note on the ground against the Bears last year in solider field. He also has 7 touchdowns (six in the last four games, mind you) and he had 100 on the ground last week against Atlanta, who is strong against the run.

Here he is waving to has pal from the Falcons. Here's a transcript of the conversation that went down leading up to this moment:

Atlanta Defender: Hey Pierre, long time no see. What's shakin', bacon?
Pierre Thomas: It ain't nothin', man. Just clockin' my grip here. Too many Falcons are trying to get at my hard-earned stack.
AD: Dang, Brother, that is a dog gone shame - but it's never too late to change.
PT (Prime Time???): I know man, whenever my luck runs low, I just reach out and call His Name.
AD: That's right, my young, elusive Brother. Anyhow, I'll see you in the end zone shortly.
PT: And THAT's right, pahdna. Ya Moh Be There... ta ta for now!
AD: Bye! Nice catchin' up with you man. In the figurative sense, not in the football sense!

End Transcript.

One more thing: we may have luck against the run yet. Why? What has two thumbs and eats as much as a Hippopotamus? This guy, Hollis Thomas, number 99, aka Heavy Lunch, Tiny, Bulwark of the Crescent.

Bye for now.

Remiss in my duties

It's been a hot minute since I've been able to post. Tour came up, and now the bye week, so I've finally got time to wax philosophical about the Black and Gold.

First of all - injuries. Christ - we get Colston back, and now Reggie Bush blew out his leg. "Not sure of a return date" is the general consensus. Shockey came back in, and banged himself up nicely again, saying that perhaps we wasn't really fully healed, laying some of the blame on the Saints' trainers and coaching staff that wanted him back sooner than was healthy for him.

We dropped the Minnesota game - mostly on the fault of our then-lame kicker, Martin Gramatica, the Worst Thing to Ever Come from Argentina, and Greenway's blatant 15-yard facemask on Reggie Bush that caused a fumble and led to a Minnesota touchdown which the line judge missed.

Not to be a crybaby - the Saints can find a way to lose anyway - but there's Sean Payton on the sideline, yelling at the line judge, and pointing to the jumbotron - hey asshole, if we have instant replay, why don't we use it? And Roger Goodell, why are facemasks not reviewable? This is for the safety of the players, ultimately.

Let's talk about some good things - the Saints, for once, are not playing down to shitty teams. We wasted Oakland, and we beat up all over San Diego, although they aren't even that shitty. As well, should we talk about Drew Brees and Jonathan Vilma? These guys are amazing. Brees has two NFC player of the week honors in the last three weeks. Vilma also has about a million tackles, and is a terror to all running games (well, admittedly, LT had a huge day against us, but that was the only really massive rushing day against the Saints all season). Adrian Peterson, arguably one of the best running backs around, was held to 32 yards. That's the best performance by any defense against this guy, who is a total fucking liability to everyone - even to the tune of 120 yards against the Bears, whose defense gets hated on, but let's be real - they are great, and always have been.


Here's another snapshot of Vilma just being completely fucking clutch:


Here he is, wrapping those mitts around a game-clinching INT against Philip Rivers and the very strong passing game of the Chargers, while a dejected receiver watches from the ground after being pélé'd by Roman Harper, who will apparently add injury to insult by stepping on his nuts forthwith.

Put that in your pipe and smoke it:



So now we go to Atlanta and play against those assholes and their ridiculously good running game with Michael Turner, who makes big moves like Ex-Lax. It could spell trouble. But regardless of that, our offense is ranked #1 in the NFL. That's right, #1 on total production. We are absolutely torching pretty much everyone except only the best. Expect to see a shootout of this nature - Atlanta will run all over the place, and Drew Brees will throw for over 300 yards for about the millionth time.

Denver 34, Saints 32

This should read "Saints 32, Forces of Evil 34".

So we lost a big game - but not by much. You have to hand it to our guys - this was a HELL of a football match. Denver came out swinging, putting up 21 points (7 off of a Reggie Bush fumble) in the first quarter. We answered only with a three point field goal, Gramatica's sole kick (no pun intended) of the day. He missed from 43 yards for what would have been the win. Maybe it's time for him to retire. Why, oh why, did we ever let John Carney go? Because he looks like Skeletor:




But then what happened? What was supposed to be a blowout turned into a shootout. The Saints offense went ablaze. All told, Denver gave up a staggering 511 total yards of offense to our boys in black and gold, with Drew Brees throwing to NINE different receivers for a total of 421 yards and a score with no INTs. He leads the NFL this week in passing with a shining passer rating of 110 or so, and did it all without our lead receiver, Marques Colston.

Ever heard of Robert Meachem (see above)? Doubt it. But you should pay attention, dipshit: this guy is a total liability to secondaries everywhere - even to bruisers like Champ Bailey. He had 86 yards receiving yesterday on two grabs - one for 71 yards, if memory serves (too lazy to google it). Shockey had eight hauls for 75 yards as well. Nice and easy.



And Folks - Still think Reggie Bush is a bust? I guess so, since he only had 150 fucking yards from scrimmage (75 rushing, 75 receiving) and had a paltry pair of TD's. Yeah, pretty lame: he's just a waste of money. So why don't go ahead and put that in your pipe and smoke it, you fucking idiots? He's already in the running for league MVP if there's any justice in this life of sin, and if he keeps playing like this, the only person who will compete with him for that honor is his quarterback.








Just look at this shit! Bananas.








So then, there's the whole thing about OUR defense... what to say? Why was Jason David put in there again? How did we manage to give up 369 yards of total offense to the Broncos?















First, let's concentrate on things done right: there was McKenzie's (Predator's) INT, which he is known to do should the opportunity arize. There was decent run-stoppage, even without Hollis Thomas, and Charles Grant managed to harry Jay Cutler several times. There was the safety in the end zone, etc.

But again - Jason David against Brandon Marshall? David is 5'8". Marshall is a towering 6'4". That's EIGHT inches of difference (to quote Ice Cube). Not to mention the speed - David isn't exactly the slowest guy in the world, but I think a 4.3 40m dash is out of the question for him. So on the only two plays during his frightening mismatch against Marshall, he didn't even turn around to play the ball, earning penalties on both LONG bombs and giving Denver scoring position, twice. TWICE. I don't think McKenzie was in on either of these plays, which is just criminal - he's the best corner on our team, and hence, the best man-to-man matchup against a threat like Marshall. Our defensive coordinator needs to wake the F up. Seriously. I don't know fuck all about football, but I know a mismatch when I see one. Especially after a whole season of mismatches against David last year. No discredit to David, who also recovered a fumble - whereas he was effective in a type of Cover-2 defense at Indy two years ago, he's not the guy for man-to-man coverage.

If I see McKenzie sitting it out against the 49ers' massive TE Vernon Davis next week, and Jason David crawling all over him with his back to the pass, I'm going to murder somebody's life next week.

OOOOF

Well, what can I say about last week? I'm still reeling from Tracy Porter's slip on Santana Moss's 8000 yard touchdown to lock in the win. No sooner did I swing from this guys nuts than he gave up a play like that.

It's to be expected. Every corner in the league gives up clutch plays like that from time to time, especially against ridiculous players like Santana Moss, who burn the best corners all the time.

Now if only we can convert on third down tomorrow.

The Saints' new "looks like shit" defense (to quote the Onion) didn't look new at all last week - we had Randall Gay, Sedrick Ellis, Antwan Lake, Aaron Glenn, and Roman Harper ALL out for last week's disaster against the decent but decidedly mediocre Redskins (isn't that name politically incorrect now? What happened to those lame arrowhead helmet logos they had for a year?).

IF any of those guys who are probable (Glenn, Gay, and the radical Mike McKenzie) manage to play tomorrow - things should look quite different, at least on defense. Against a team like Denver, though: does it matter? Cutler is beyond disgustingly good this year. It's looking grim, even at our best.

We'll see.

In other news - Saints picked up Joey Harrington to be the #3 quarterback behind Brees and Mark Brunell.

Are you fucking kidding me? WHY? He looks like he needs a kleenex here, but... well?

He's got real "swagger", doesn't he? You know, the type of guy that can really "thread the needle", a "student of the game" - which basically means he's slow in the pocket and is wont to air it out indiscriminately.



Who's got two thumbs and loves to throw INTs?

THIS GUY!!!!!

Colston... Fuck/Reggie the Slots Manager

Rats, folks. Marques Colston, the be-all end-all of receivers for the Saints (and a top five receiver in the league, to be sure) is out 4-6 weeks with a torn thumb ligament. Or as Buddy D (peace be upon him) would say, "torn lumb tiggamints". This is, naturally, a bad sitch for us to be in, but come on - let's not start crying yet. HOW much depth do we have at receiver? We're stacked like Pamela. Devery Henderson hauled in an 88-yarder and David "Frodo" Patten hauled in a 39-yarder, both against a brutal Succaneers secondary.

I'm bummed, but not worried. I am constantly proselytizing about putting Reggie in the slot as more of a split back, the results of which we saw a bit of on Sunday. If we keep at that - Reggie on the outside in open space, Pierre Thomas off-tackle - we'll be sound as a pound. I'll bring in Billy Mays, "the most intense dude ever ejected from a vagina" to tell Sean Payton about my Reggie/slot ideas... YOU HAVE TO!!!!!!

Shockey's Favorite Band

Ok, I want everyone to try to guess Jeremy Shockey's favorite band. Post suggestions in the comments area. Let's see if we can suss this one out.

I'll leave you with another picture of a classic Saint-killer, Ronde Barber, fully getting bitched by The Shock.

I am not afraid of you, and I will beat your ass

That's exactly what this guy is saying. Tracy Porter - ladies and gentlemen, what can I say? Thank Christ (or Elijah, if you're Jeremy or Craig) we drafted him. Payton kept Jason "Toast" David out of the game (Jesus has been hard at work on our behalf), and had the new #22 playing for most, if not all, of week one's game against the Tampa Bay Fuccaneers. He harried Antonio Bryant all day: batted balls, waylaying at the line, you name it. Silence from Herr Bryant.

And Randall Gay? Yats will make fun of that name forever, Brah, but they will love him for shutting down Joey Galloway all day long. Galloway is historically one of the worst Saint-killers, getting 9 touchdowns in the last 8 games between the two teams: frightening. But look at him here - completely fucked. Not only does he have Randy G about to strangle him, he will likely be Pelé'd forthwith by Kevin Kaesviharn. We have a secondary for the first time since the Dome Patrol. Boudreaux is freezing in Hell.



Let's hope it holds up.

Let's talk about Coach

Somebody please tell me what in the name of fuck Sean Payton is doing at a Lakers game? What a stupid sports franchise - totally lame. Good thing he's representing with the Feur de Lis necklace. Thank goodness as well that he has a fantastic football mind, because he certainly looks like a dipshit here.

First Day, First Week

Hello, Everyone.

As per ushe (shorthand for usual? Spelling, anyone?), my friends have convinced me to do something I otherwise would only talk to myself about: a blog about all things New Orleans Saints. For all you fans of the Black and Gold, this is the joint. I'll try to cover things in a way that outsiders may find interesting - I don't want to cater to Yats only. The emphasis, however, will definitely be towards the Diaspora of Saints Fans that has taken place in recent years, with specific proclivities toward the Chicagoland Metro area.

This is also a companion to Jeremy Parker's Bears Blog at http://jpbears.blogspot.com/

We'll go head to head! Black and Gold versus Beautiful blue and Indian Food - Diarrhea Orange.